


ours are the moments I play in the dark

by elizetcetera



Series: supercut [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety Attacks, Codependency, Established Relationship, M/M, Youtuber AU, discussion of YouTube culture, does anyone else just... watch JCC and see into another universe or is it just me, johnten's relationship status is Complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-03-09 17:39:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18921874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizetcetera/pseuds/elizetcetera
Summary: Ten and Johnny struggle to navigate their relationship after years together. Lucky for them, it's all been caught on camera and posted on the Internet for millions of people to see. So it's easy to see where it went wrong.





	ours are the moments I play in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> title from supercut by lorde

“This has been another episode of JCC! Thanks for watching. Peace out, Jo-fam,” Johnny made a peace sign at the camera. Ten smiled brightly and waved, putting his hand over the lens to end the video. Immediately, he got up from where he was perched on the arm of couch.

“Are we gonna talk about this?” Johnny called as Ten left the room.

Ten didn’t answer, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

“Fuck,” Johnny said under his breath. He stared at the camera, which was still blinking red as it recorded, completely uncaring that Johnny’s relationship was falling apart. “This is your fault,” he told it sternly.

The camera kept recording.

 

* * *

 

 

Being a YouTuber was weird.

This was the only thing on Johnny’s mind as he sat across from Mark in an unassuming Burbank Starbucks, eyes drifting tiredly to the girls currently trying to clandestinely photograph them from across the room, giggling and thinking that they were getting away with it. Honestly, Johnny should be used to it, by now; but the more he thought about it, the more uncomfortable he became.

“Dude, you okay?” Mark was staring at his phone as he talked, absently sucking the remaining dregs of iced coffee through a straw. Mark Lee was not the best coffee buddy, today or ever, as he was addicted to his phone in a way that even Johnny, social media extraordinaire (as once proclaimed by a Buzzfeed article), found concerning. Maybe that generational difference was greater that he’d thought, even though Mark was only five years younger.

The girls still had their phones pointed in their direction, so Johnny’s face didn’t change as he casually scrubbed a hand across his mouth and said quietly, “I think Ten is gonna break up with me.”

That finally caused Mark’s head to snap up, focusing on Johnny intently. “No way. It’s that bad?”

Johnny smiled ruefully, shaking his head. “It’s not even bad anymore. It’s, like, non-existent. He’s barely looked at me all week.”

Mark’s brow was furrowed, looking a little lost. There was a reason why twenty-year-old Mark would not usually be Johnny’s first choice to receive relationship advice from, but his class had been cancelled today and he had jumped at the offer for free coffee, so here they were.

Mark looked around shiftily, as if he thought Johnny had a hidden camera around here ready to catch his reaction to a prank. “But… you’re like… _the_ couple. You can’t break up. It would throw the entire Internet out of whack.”

Johnny scoffed. “Not the entire Internet.”

Mark shrugged, not convinced. “All of Youtube, at least.”

Wow, Mark gave bad advice. And this was nothing that Johnny didn’t know, his anxiety spiking as he thought about what the public reaction would be to a Johnten break-up. Johnny sighed, drinking his coffee in annoyance. “Okay, and this is supposed to… make me feel better?”

A few other patrons of the shop had noticed the girls taking pictures of them, and had pulled out their phones as well, probably assuming Johnny and Mark were somehow _actually_ famous and not just… whatever they were. He heard a middle-aged woman whisper loudly to her friend, “Do you think they’re k-pop stars?”

Just kill him now, seriously.

Mark heard this, too, and glanced around, finally noticing the girls. “Oh, shit, that’s not cool. Want me to tell them to fuck off?”

Johnny really didn’t want to take pictures with people who were kind of low-key stalking him, but he also didn’t want them shit-posting Mark on Twitter. He pursed his lips, not wanting to make a scene right now. He couldn’t handle it, along with everything else going on. “Can we just leave?”

Mark nodded quickly, gathering up his stuff. “Yeah, totally, just let me--”

He knocked over Johnny’s drink, cursing loudly as ice and coffee spilled across the surface of the table and dripping into his lap. Johnny closed his eyes for a moment as Mark apologized profusely, trying to wipe up the cold liquid with the singular napkin they had at their table. This day was not going well. Johnny stood up. “I’ll get some more napkins.”

He walked the couple of feet over to the bar. He looked around for the napkins, finally locating them next to the sugar and trying to grab a handful. It was at this moment when he realized the two girls from before were directly to his right, whispering to each other and staring at him expectantly. Be calm, be calm, be calm. The girls couldn’t be more than sixteen; old enough to know better, but still. Johnny had done idiotic things at sixteen, too, he reminded himself. He took a deep breath. “Hi?”

“Oh my God, hi!” one of the girls exclaimed. “We watch JCC? We love you and Ten so much.”

Okay, this was fine, this was fine. Standard fare, so far. “Oh, thank you.” He was still holding the napkins, looking over to where Mark was covered in iced coffee. “Sorry, I have to--”

He gestured to Mark, hoping they would understand, given the napkins in his hands. Their eyes widened. The girl with the dark hair gasped, “Is that Mark Lee?”

Damn it. He tried to make a face at Mark in warning, but Mark just gave him a thumbs up in response, so he was pretty sure the message didn’t make it. Time to change tactics. “Yeah, he has to get to class. Sorry, education, you know,” Johnny edged away slowly, shrugging as if to communicate, _what can you do?_

The girls didn’t look convinced. He smiled awkwardly, then turned and high-tailed it back to the table. Johnny was already quite sure they were going to tell Twitter about how rude he was, so he didn’t feel too bad when he pretended not to hear one of the girls ask, “Uh, so can we, like, have a picture?”

Yeah, being a YouTuber was weird. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Johnny pulled up to the studio, he wasn’t sure Ten would be there.

They’d done this nearly every day for years, now, Johnny picking up Ten after a long day of work for both of them. Often, Johnny would go inside, and Ten would light up in the best way when he saw him, immediately forgetting what other interesting things he was talking about with other interesting people and naturally gravitating towards Johnny, tucking into his side and entering their little bubble of Johnny-And-Ten _._

Or Johnny would show up to Ten still practicing, dancing hard, sweaty and out of breath, never fully done, and Johnny would coax him to stop for take-out, and they would sit on the glossy hardwood floors and eat noodles and talk about stupid, mundane things. No matter what, the nights always ended in the two of them leaving hand in hand, going home to their house content and together.

Today, Johnny stayed in the car.

He didn’t want to invade Ten’s space, the studio into which Ten put his blood, sweat, and tears. Dancing was Ten’s stress relief and his safe place, and no matter how much he wanted to see Ten, he wasn’t going to take that away from him now, when he likely needed it the most.

It didn’t make the waiting any easier.

When Ten finally appeared, bag on his shoulder, he thought for a moment that he might walk right past Johnny’s car to the bus stop.

Instead, Ten paused for only a second, then strode purposefully for the car, climbing into the passenger seat like he had a thousand times.

He didn’t look at Johnny as he gently placed his bag down between his feet.

“Ten?” Johnny said softly, praying that this wouldn’t end in shouting and tears on both sides the way it had the last time.

“Hi, Johnny,” Ten said back, finally looking up at Johnny, and God, Johnny hated this tension between them.

Johnny took a shaky breath, trying to pretend that this was any other conversation. “How was your day?”

Ten pursed his lips. “Johnny, I’m… I’m really sorry, about what I said. I shouldn’t have.”

Hope filled him. Maybe they could make this work after all. “Ten, I--”

“No, Johnny, wait,” Ten interrupted. “I shouldn't have said what I said. But that doesn’t mean it’s not still an issue.”

“I won’t vlog,” Johnny said. “I’ll stop, right now if you want.”

Ten bit his lip, staring at Johnny. “It’s your career, Johnny. I won’t ask you to put it on hold for me.”

“But you’re more important,” Johnny insisted.

Ten closed his eyes, turning away. “You say that now, but what happens in six months? Or six years? I don’t want you to resent me.”

Johnny could never resent Ten. He needed him to know that. “You’re scared, and you’re trying to run away. Remember when I told you I wouldn’t let you do that?”

“That was before all of this,” Ten gestured around them, eyes lingering on the interior of the Bentley. “That was before our lives involved using our relationship for money.”

“That is not what this is, Ten,” Johnny answered, on the verge of tears now, even though he told himself that this wouldn’t happen. “You know that’s not fair.”

“But that’s what it feels like.”

“I know,” Johnny said, frustrated. He _did_ know. When you filmed your life twenty-four, seven, it was nearly impossible not to feel like there were boundaries crossed, boundaries that they hadn’t realized they’d even had before putting them on display for millions of people. “What if I just don’t film you as much? You don’t have to even be in the vlogs, if you don’t want to.”

Ten sighed. “People would talk. Even if I wanted you to do that, the break-up rumors would never let up. Ever.”

They were going in circles, getting nowhere near a solution. “But isn’t that better than actually breaking up?”

Ten was silent for several excruciating moments, fighting off tears, because his face was tensed in that way that it always was when he was trying not to cry. “It’s just a lot, Johnny. I’m really confused,” he said, slowly. “I think… I think I need some space.”  

Johnny tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, using all of his self-restraint to stop himself from reaching out for Ten, to pull him in close and never let him go. “If that’s what you think is best. Of course.”  

Ten looked at him with wide, moist eyes at the tone in Johnny’s voice. “I love you, Johnny, okay?”

“I love you, too.” Johnny wished it didn’t sound like they were trying to convince each other.

Ten looked down at his phone. “I’m going to stay with Sicheng for a few days.”

Johnny closed his eyes. “Okay.”

Ten hesitated, then leaned over and kissed Johnny’s cheek. “I’ll see you soon, baby, I promise.”

“Yeah.” Johnny hoped his voice didn’t sound as dejected as he felt.

Ten looked like he wanted to say something else, but he thought better of it. He grabbed his bag and got back out of the car. Johnny watched him walk away, back into the studio where Sicheng was likely waiting.

 

* * *

 

_“Ah, Johnny,” Ten was giggling into the camera as Johnny tossed gummy bears at him, Ten failing to catch them in his mouth. Summertime in Chicago meant hazy sunshine lighting up Ten’s skin, Ten’s hair, in the most beautiful way, the city sounds a constant hum in the background. “Wait, wait, I can do it!”_

_Johnny could be heard behind the camera, laughing as Ten fell over into the grass trying to get the gummy bear. “Nice, babe. There’s that dancer’s grace that people talk about.”_

_“You’re so mean,” Ten whined at him from the grass, smile bright and dazzling. “You’re such a bad boyfriend.”_

_“You love me,” Johnny said, the camera jolting a little as it was placed on the ground. Johnny ducked into frame and placed a quick kiss on Ten’s nose, Ten laughing and shaking his head as he pretended to protest._

_“Nope, nope, nope!” Ten was giggling into Johnny’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around Johnny’s neck, being hoisted up from ground in Johnny’s arms as Johnny wrestled him out of frame, the two of them murmuring teasing insults at each other in between gasps of laughter._

_The camera just barely picked up Ten, somewhere off screen, saying fondly, “Okay, maybe I love you a little bit. Just a little.”_

Johnny’s breath caught as the video cut off, playing Johnny’s old end screen from five years ago. He felt a little like he’d had the wind knocked out of him, watching that; he and Ten had been much younger, then. Much stupider, too, and without any of the success they had achieved now. They’d been so carefree, then, so happy and so in love and so, so broke.

This video, Johnny remembered, had been more for themselves than anyone else, not really uploaded for the purposes of other people watching it. He didn’t think they would have put it up if they’d known that 7.1 million people would see it, he thought bitterly, staring at the view count.

“Fuck,” Johnny scrubbed a hand other his face tiredly, glancing at the time on the corner of his computer screen. He still had a lot of editing to do tonight before he could sleep, and this was what he was doing, sitting in the dark and feeling sorry for himself. His subscribers would be expecting a new video soon, and he didn’t want to let them down.

Usually, around this time, Ten would have come padding into the office, freshly showered and barefoot, with a cup of tea for each of them, curling up on his chair by the window so they could chat about their days and how the video was coming along. More often than not, Ten could convince Johnny to stop working for the day, tempting him to come and get into bed with him.

It typically didn’t take much persuasion, whatever Johnny liked to tell himself; if he was being honest, Ten could talk him into anything with just that enigmatic smile and a finger trailed enticingly down his spine.

This house felt so big and empty without Ten in it.

He grabbed his phone, fingers itching to call, text, something. He just wanted Ten. They hadn’t gone to sleep without talking in six years. It didn’t feel right. But he’d said that he would give him space, and that was what he was going to do.

His eyes caught again on the thumbnail of the video, twenty-year-old Ten and twenty-one-year-old Johnny, smiling and in love, frozen forever in that moment, before real life had happened. He clicked the replay button before he could think better of it.

He was so fucked up.

 

* * *

 

 

The vlog went live, and it felt weird seeing himself and Ten from earlier this week pretending that nothing was wrong.

It was nothing special, just a bunch of spliced clips of them shopping and driving and eating over the course of the week. Johnny knew how to edit well, by now, so it was a nice video, aesthetically. But it was a lie.

The thing was, vlogs were only ever the happy parts of your life; most Youtubers weren’t filming the stuff that they didn’t want people to see, the stuff that was boring or sad or mundane, which was probably most stuff. The glossy sheen on these videos told a story that was often much different from the reality.

But Johnny and Ten had never been like this before, completely different on and off camera. He prided himself on being genuine, on trying not to be fake with his viewers, even if he now had way more than he even knew what to do with.

It really sucked.

He’d sent a message to Ten that the video was about to go up as a courtesy, since he was in it. He hadn’t heard anything back.

The comments were flooding in, the usual heart emojis and favorite quotes, with comments sprinkled throughout about how cute Johnny and Ten were as a couple, how their lives were so perfect, in addition to a few incredibly inappropriate and invasive ones, which Johnny always deleted summarily. He had no idea how some people were so incredibly invested in his relationship, but at this moment in his life, it kind of made his skin crawl to think about.

As he scrolled through the comments, liking the funny ones and responding here and there, his phone pinged with an Instagram notification; Ten was the only one he notifications enabled for, so he had a pretty guess as to what it was.

He clicked on the notification, and was greeted by an image of Ten, Sicheng, and Hendery smiling in the sunshine, out somewhere in L.A. and looking like they were having the time of their lives.

Ten looked amazing, well-rested and happy, with his hair styled and makeup lightly done. His face was sandwiched in between those of Sicheng and Hendery, all of them with their arms around each other, comfortable in their casual intimacy.

Johnny wasn’t jealous.

He wasn’t, not really; he wasn’t the type to be possessive of Ten, to be mad when he was touchy with his friends or flirted with strangers in the checkout line at Target. If he was, their relationship would never have worked out, because both of those things were regular occurrences for Ten, part of his personality, and Johnny trusted him.

But he did miss Ten. And maybe he did wish he was Sicheng or Hendery right now, just a little. But he wasn’t jealous, surely.

Johnny liked the photo, then locked his phone and threw it down on the couch. He didn’t know how Ten would interpret that, if would seem too much like Johnny was in his space, but fuck, Johnny didn’t know how this worked. They weren’t broken up.

So why did it feel like they were?

 

* * *

 

 

_Ten was crying as Johnny packed._

_In nearly a year of dating, Johnny had never seen Ten cry. He was trying to hide it, Johnny could tell, but his spot on Johnny’s tiny dorm room bed was getting increasingly littered with Kleenex._

_Johnny dropped the shirt he was folding and sighed, gently settling himself next to Ten where he was sitting criss-cross, hugging Johnny’s pillow to his chest. “We can do long-distance. There’s FaceTime, and texting, and… this doesn’t have to be it for us.”_

_Ten didn’t look at him as he nodded, still sniffling. “I’m gonna miss you.”_

_“Fuck, Ten,” Johnny breathed, running a hand through his hair. “Don’t do this, come on.”_

_“Don’t fucking leave me, then,” Ten retorted, voice getting stuck on a sob. “You know long-distance doesn’t work. You’re gonna forget about me within a week of getting back to Chicago.”_

_“I’m not,” Johnny pleaded. “I couldn’t.”_

_“I’m going to be around the world from you, Johnny,” Ten said, face crumpling at his own words. “Seoul and Chicago are too far away to do weekend trips. We’re never gonna see each other again.”_

_Johnny felt his stomach plummet at that thought, of not seeing Ten every day, of not being able to kiss Ten or hold his hand. It was a familiar feeling, that dread, one that he’d been pushing away from months now, trying to forget that they had an expiration date which corresponded with the end of Johnny’s year abroad._

_“Come with me,” Johnny said, before he could stop himself._

_Ten’s head snapped up, so fast Johnny was a little afraid he’d just gotten whiplash. “What?”_

_Johnny swallowed, mouth suddenly very dry with nerves and anticipation. “Come to Chicago with me. You’re right, I don’t want to be without you. Come live with me in Chicago.”_

_Ten’s eyebrows were knit together, breath catching on his words as his tears were shocked into stopping. “What would I even do in Chicago? How--I’m not done with school!”_

_“As if you couldn’t get a transfer to anywhere you wanted,” Johnny said, ideas forming thick and fast as he talked. “You’re the best dancer in your program here, and you know it. There’s a ton of great arts programs in Chicago, and any one of them would beg you to train with them.”_

_“But--” Ten shook his head, eyes wide as he and Johnny stared at each other, both of them giddy with excitement even as they tried to keep their composure, two kids trying their best to act like adults. “We’re so young. Isn’t this kind of crazy?”_

_“It is,” Johnny agreed. “But it’s us. If anyone can make it work, it’s you and me.”_

_Ten’s eyes were shining with unshed tears, but happy ones now. “I love you,” he bit his lip.  “Fuck, I love you and your stupid American face so much.”_

_Johnny grinned, so happy he could die right now. He reached for Ten, wrapping him in a tight embrace. “I love you, too.”_

_Ten hugged him back just as fiercely, burying his face in Johnny’s neck as a few tears dripped onto Johnny’s t-shirt. “I’m gonna need you to remind me of that a lot in the next few months, I think. I’m probably going to be a bitch to live with, so sorry in advance.”_

_“I already know what I’m signing up for, babe,” Johnny laughed as Ten punched him in the shoulder in protest._

 

* * *

 

The weekend of VidCon was upon them, yet again.

Summer was in full swing now, the Southern California heat beating down on the city relentlessly.

To be honest, Johnny wasn’t the biggest fan of VidCon. Of course, he enjoyed meeting all of his subscribers, and socializing with other YouTubers, but the crowds these days were insane; as a creator, he had to be shepherded around by security in weird, underground tunnels. The past two years, the event coordinators had given him and several dozen other creators an hour-long seminar on safety, making them sign waiver after waiver as though they were about be lowered into a shark tank.

So yeah, VidCon was a little odd.

Johnny and Ten lived in Burbank, so while they didn’t technically need to be put up by the Green brothers in a fancy hotel, they weren’t going to say no to the offer. The commute would have been a nightmare, VidCon weekend, the usually hour-long drive likely turning into two or three each way.

So that was how Johnny and Ten ended up arguing in the air-conditioned lobby of a Hilton in Anaheim, waiting for their check-in to be complete. It had been about two weeks since Ten had gone to stay with Sicheng, and about a week since he’d returned to the house, ready to figure their relationship out. In seven days, they hadn’t gotten far.

“I told you it wasn’t a good idea,” Ten was hissing under his breath, as the frightened concierge walked away in search of their manager. “There’s going to be creeps showing up in our room in the middle of the night.”

“What did you want me to say?” Johnny muttered back, irritated.

“Do you know how many YouTubers are probably staying here this weekend?” Ten glanced around, as if expecting to see PewDiePie wandering around the lobby. “I’d be willing to bet they’re not all using their real names.”

“You need to relax, it’ll be fine,” Johnny said through his teeth as the concierge came back, manager behind him. They both smiled politely, Johnny putting his arm around Ten to present some semblance of a united front.

“Hi, sorry, I know it’s annoying, but when we were at another Hilton in Florida, we were really let down by your security measures? Could you tell me more about your policies here?” Ten launched into his spiel, eerily channeling a fifty-year-old soccer mom named Karen.

Johnny resisted the urge to roll his eyes. To be fair, Ten had a point; they’d had somewhat of a traumatic experience at Playlist Live last spring, when a woman found out their room number and climbed onto their balcony while they were out. Johnny and Ten came back to their room, not noticing the woman standing in the dark outside until Johnny went to close the blinds and almost had a heart attack.

That was not an experience they particularly wanted to repeat.

But still, what could the hotel do about it? They weren’t really equipped to deal with the kind of crazy YouTube stars tended to attract.

The manager was rattling off the hotel’s securities policies, assuring Ten that there was no way for anyone unauthorized to get their room number, to which Ten rudely responded, “Well, clearly there is a way, or it wouldn’t have happened the last time.”

Johnny elbowed him in the ribs discreetly, as the manager looked more and more distressed at the exchange, continuing to try to convince Ten that their privacy would be ensured while they were here.

He understood, but he didn’t have to like it; Ten was a very private person, much more so than Johnny. They’d been lucky, last time, that the situation hadn’t been worse. Ten hated knowing that they were risking that kind of thing every time they traveled, and Johnny hating knowing that Ten was so worried about it. But honestly, right now Ten was only managing to piss off everyone that could try to help them.

“Alright, thank you so much,” Johnny interrupted as it became clear that Ten’s interrogation wasn’t slowing down, the manager looking completely unsure what to say. “We’re very excited to stay here. Let’s go check out our room, babe.”

Johnny’s hand on Ten’s waist tightened as he guided them away from the desk and towards the elevator, key card in hand. Ten whispered shrilly, “If we get fucking murdered tonight, it’s your fault.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Johnny prodded Ten into the elevator. “Why’d you even come, if you were so worried about it?”

Ten pressed the button for their floor, huffing. “I didn’t know that not coming was an option, frankly.”

“You could have stayed at home,” Johnny said, still annoyed at Ten’s earlier display.

“Maybe I should have,” Ten retorted. “Maybe I should just go home now, and let you fend for yourself this weekend.”

Johnny stared at him, startled by the snarling honesty. He and Ten did everything together, each other's constant support. It had never occurred to him that this wouldn't always be the case.

“You can, if you want. But I’d like you to be here.” Ten raised an eyebrow at Johnny's words. “At least so you don’t have to deal with that fucking traffic again.”

Ten swallowed. “Right. I guess I’ll stay, then.”

“Right,” Johnny said. He kicked himself for ruining it with the last part. He didn’t know how they could be so awkward all of a sudden, after six years together. Fighting with Ten was still the worst thing.

They finished the elevator ride in silence.

 

* * *

 

_“They’re not going to listen,” Ten was saying on the other end of the phone, voice angry and upset._

_“Can’t you just--” Johnny cut off, frustrated. “I don’t know, explain the situation?”_

_Ten made an irritated noise. “You think it’s that easy? This is our fault.”_

_“No, it’s mine,” Johnny sighed. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t think--”_

_“It’s fine, John,” Ten murmured softly. Johnny closed his eyes, letting the voice wash over him and soothe his anxiety, even if they couldn’t be physically together. “I don’t want to fight. It’s not--I shouldn’t have blamed you, honey.”_

_“No, but… it’s a funeral. How could they should up to a funeral and still claim to be fans?” Johnny didn’t understand it. He was so upset he couldn’t even think. His boyfriend shouldn’t have to deal with this shit, much less his boyfriend’s family, who weren’t involved in this world in the slightest, their grief disrupted by this. “I’m so sorry, Ten.”_

_“I don’t want you to be on social media, Johnny,” Ten said after a moment. “I don’t want you tweeting something you’ll regret.”_

_“I can’t promise I won’t,” Johnny admitted. He was so angry, but he didn’t know who to be mad at. These kids’ parents? Probably. But the kids themselves? They supported Johnny; it was why he and Ten were able to house-hunt, for real, for a place of their own, in their twenties. Why he’d been able to buy his very first car recently. But that didn’t give them the right to Ten’s vulnerability; that was crossing a line._

_“Stay on the phone with me?” Ten asked. “I don’t want to go face my family yet. I’d much rather be with you.”_

_“I wish I was there with you,” Johnny answered. “I love you. I miss you.”_

_“I love you, too,” Ten said without hesitation. “I’ll be back soon.”_

_Johnny sucked in a breath. “Yeah. It’ll be okay. Things will be different. This isn’t going to happen again, Ten.”_

_“Yeah,” came the voice through the phone speaker, tinny and unsure. “I hope not.”_

 

* * *

 

 

“Hello!” Johnny was saying, smiling at the next person in line, a teenage boy with his hair dyed purple and a flower crown perched on his head. “I love your hair.”

“Thanks,” the boy murmured shyly.

“Well, I’m Johnny. What’s your name?” Johnny tried, wanting to set him more at ease.

The boy cracked a smile at that. “Syd.”

“Nice to meet you, Syd,” Johnny held his arms out in offer of a hug, uncertain whether the boy was comfortable with that and trying not to make him feel obligated.

The boy hesitantly took the opportunity, giving him a quick hug. “Um, I just wanted to say… you inspired me to come out as bi?”

Johnny could feel his eyebrows shoot up in surprise, remembering to control his reaction only afterwards. “Oh, wow. Congratulations. That’s amazing.”

Syd nodded, smiling at the floor. “Seeing you and Ten, you guys are, like, such good role models for a healthy queer relationship.” Ha. Okay. “And I hadn’t seen a lot of those before, so… thank you.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Johnny hoped he was still poker faced. “That means a lot, Syd. I know it’ll mean a lot to Ten, too. Thanks so much for sharing that with me. I’m really happy for you, buddy.”

They took a picture as Johnny internally panicked.

He met a couple hundred people throughout the afternoon, many of them with similar stories to Syd’s, about how watching Johnny (and Ten, more often than not) had helped them to overcome something. It was always incredible and overwhelming, seeing the kind of people constantly watching his life and how great they were.

It was also a lot of pressure.

There were so many queer kids in this line, telling Johnny about how much they looked up to Johnny and Ten, and how they aspired to a relationship like it.

This was not good.

It was kind of sending Johnny into a spiral. He didn’t want to make this about him, because it wasn’t, not really, and he was just being selfish by focusing on how wrong all of these people were about him. That thought somehow didn’t make his anxiety better.  

He did his best to hold it together and stay present through the meet-and-greet, but by the end, he was exhausted, emotionally and physically. He said goodbye to the last person, making sure they were out of sight before he rushed backstage, feeling dizzy and a little nauseous.

His heart was pounding, and he felt like he was dying. There were people bustling around here, too, employees and managers busily at work. He didn’t want to be here. He had to get away.

Johnny stumbled out of the dark space, out into a quiet, deserted hallway, lit only by distant fluorescents. He put his hands on his knees, trying unsuccessfully to even out his breathing as he hyperventilated; he felt like he was going to to suffocate. He was so out of it, he didn’t notice Ten beside him until he felt a cool hand on his shoulder. “Hey, can you sit down with me?”

He grabbed for Ten like a lifeline, who helped guide him down to a sitting position on the concrete floor, back to the wall. His thoughts were racing, breathing still ragged.

Ten was crouching in front of him, both hands clasping Johnny’s arms. “Johnny, look at me, can you breathe with me for a second? Just focus on your breathing, honey.”

Johnny did, staring at Ten, who was starting to appear a little more in focus than he had before. Ten held steady eye contact with him as he helped Johnny take deep, steadying breaths, heart rate beginning to slow some. “That’s so good, John. You’re okay.”

Ten sat down on the hard concrete in front of him, legs askew around Johnny’s own folded ones, blocking Johnny off from the rest of the world, a calm and steady protector. He could only see Ten, nothing else, and that made him feel safe.

Johnny could feel that he was coming back to himself, slowly, as Ten murmured to him and pressed his fingers lightly against Johnny’s arms, grounding him. He was still shaky and unsteady when he said, “Damn. Sorry.”

Ten shushed him, smoothing Johnny’s hair back from his sweaty forehead. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

Johnny’s voice broke as he muttered, “You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

Ten put a hand on Johnny’s cheek, forcing him to look up, their faces only inches apart. Even in the dark hallway, Ten’s eyes burned with something that Johnny hadn’t seen in a long time. “You are not something to be dealt with, baby. Not ever. You and me, remember?”

Their eyes locked. Johnny did remember.

 

* * *

 

_Ten was upending a box when Johnny got home with the groceries, cheeks red from the bitter Chicago cold._

_“Uh… hey? What are you doing?” He shut the front door with his foot, hauling the grocery bags the depressingly short distance over to the kitchen counter. Ten sat cross-legged in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by boxes and appearing to tear through them with no particular discrimination._

_“I can’t--I can’t find my birth certificate,” Ten muttered as he shoved another pile of stuff out of the way. Johnny started grabbing frozen items and putting them into the fridge, keeping half an eye on Ten as he turned the already messy living room into a warzone. This apartment was good in that capacity, at least; it was only two tiny rooms, the main room and the bedroom, so it wasn’t hard to keep track of one’s chaotic Thai partner._

_“You’re making a mess, Ten, just... are you sure you brought it?” Johnny shouldered off his coat and hung it on the back of a chair._

_“No, I’m not,” Ten said, thumbing through a thick stack of papers._

_Johnny maneuvered through the boxes to the center of the hurricane, crouching next to Ten and leaning over him to read the papers, one hand on Ten’s shoulder. “Well, your parents can always send it over, right?”_

_Ten’s head snapped up, and he made a noise of indignation, turning around. Johnny’s hand fell from him. “No, Johnny, they can’t, because like I’ve told you a million times now, I need to get my paperwork to the immigration office before the end of the week. And I need all of these documents.”_

_Fuck. Johnny should have known that. They had just moved into the apartment a couple of days ago, though, and they’d been super busy all week. “Right, sorry, sorry. Okay, what does it look like?”_

_Ten gave him a look. “Like a birth certificate.”_

_“Well, I’m assuming it’s in Thai, right? Wait, how are the immigration people going to read it?” Johnny wondered aloud._

_“Fuck--” Ten’s fists clenched. “Did I need to get it translated? I didn’t.”_

_Johnny didn’t know how he was managing to make this situation worse. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”_

_“No, Johnny, it’s not going to be magically fine!” Ten snapped. “They’re not going to accept my application and I’m going to get sent back home and I don’t even have proof of my Thai citizenship without my fucking birth certificate!”_

_Johnny’s temper flared. “This wasn’t my fault, Ten! You don’t have to take it out on me.”_

_“It was your great idea for me to move here!” Ten clambered to his feet, voice wracked with tension. “And now I’m in the middle of a foreign country and I don’t know anybody here except you. And I’m starting to think that you’re not a lot of help!”_

_“Ten, I’m trying my best--”_

_“But you’re twenty-one, Johnny! You don’t know anything about how to do any of this and neither do I!” Ten shook his head, eyes wide and panicked. “This was such a dumb idea!”_

_“Hey, wait,” Johnny held up his hands. “Breathe.”_

_“Don’t tell me to fucking breathe!” Ten backed away, nearly tripping over a box as he went. “This was a mistake.”_

_Johnny physically felt the impact of the words like a dagger through the heart. He stared at Ten. “If this such a mistake, why don’t you go back to Seoul?”_

_Ten’s jaw set. “Maybe I will.”_

_“Fine,” Johnny bit out. “Just run back to Korea. Jesus, Ten.”_

_Ten spun on his heel, stopping only to grab a thin hoodie, and left, slamming the apartment door behind him._

_A hour or so passed, during which Johnny unloaded the groceries, checked his phone for texts from Ten, organized some boxes, checked his phone again. Nothing. He tried calling Ten, to no avail._

_When it went to voicemail, he swore, before saying, “Ten? I’m sorry, okay? I know you’re just stressed and overwhelmed. Please just come back and we’ll talk about it.”_

_He sent a text conveying the same sentiment. Ten had either turned off his read receipts or he wasn’t looking at his phone. Johnny tapped his foot nervously, checking the time again. It was freezing out today, and Ten didn’t have anywhere to go._

_Johnny pulled on his coat and gloves, charging out the door ready to scour the whole of Chicago if he had to, only to find Ten sitting in the hallway outside. They stared at each other. Johnny slid down to the floor beside Ten so that they were shoulder to shoulder._

_Ten picked at the cheap, ragged red carpet. “I don’t want to leave.”_

_Johnny sighed in relief. “I don’t want you to.”_

_“I’m sorry I blew up at you. I just… this is a lot harder than I expected,” Ten said. “I thought, since I’d already moved to Korea, I would be fine, but…”_

_“Yeah,” Johnny answered softly. “I get it. It’s a lot.”_

_“I didn’t mean it when I said it was a mistake,” Ten continued, still not looking at Johnny. “It’s just… this is scary. With you, living here.”_

_“I know,” Johnny admitted. “I think it’s a bigger deal than we made it out to be.”_

_Ten nodded, pulling his knees to his chest. “I feel like a kid.”_

_Johnny understood completely. It was like they were children masquerading as adults who knew how to buy groceries and organize a kitchen and pay the utility bill. Still, something at the back of his brain nagged at him, prompting him to ask softly, “But… you still want to live with me, right?”_

_Ten looked up at him, eyes wide and startled. “Of course, Johnny. Of course. I just meant… it’s taking some adjusting. And I’m really sorry that I’m like this.”_

_“You don’t have to be sorry,” Johnny responded, relieved. He put a hand hesitantly on Ten’s knee. “I signed up for this, remember? All of it. You. And I’m going to love you no matter what.”_

_Ten smiled, flicking Johnny’s wrist. “Yeah? Bold statement, Seo. I can think of some things that might put constraints on your love.”_

_“Nope,” Johnny said. “You can’t stop me. You’re welcome to try, but…” He clicked his tongue. “It’s you and me, babe. We’re a team. I’m not backing out of that.”_

_Johnny leaned in close and pressed a soft kiss to Ten’s mouth. Ten sighed, relaxing into Johnny’s touch. He put a hand on Johnny’s cheek and whispered, “You and me. You promise?”_

_Johnny held out a pinkie, which Ten just stared at uncomprehendingly. He grinned as he guided Ten’s pinkie up to his and wrapped them together. Ten was giggling in bewilderment as Johnny told him earnestly, “I promise. Even if we get evicted because we can’t get our shit together.”_

_“I have no idea what just happened, but I do really hope we don't get evicted,” Ten teased, laying his head on Johnny’s shoulder._

_“Oh, that reminds me, I found your birth certificate,” Johnny remembered suddenly. “It was just under everything. And I called my mom and asked if she could help you with this stuff. She’s done all of it before, so... she knows all about how to get documents translated and shit. And she would love to help. If you want.”_

_Ten blinked, nodding slowly. “That would be amazing, Johnny.” His voice was soft when he added, “Thank you.”_

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, Johnny and Ten were ready to meet up with some of their YouTube friends; a nap and a shower had done wonders for Johnny’s mood, and a new outfit had apparently done wonders for Ten’s, because he was now dressed to kill, eyeliner freshened and hair gelled back.

They headed to the bar, hand in hand, bickering lightly. They had been doing okay. Things were okay. 

“Ayy, look who’s here!”

The group cheered loudly at their arrival, sitting in a secluded corner booth at the back and by the looks of it already quite a few drinks in. There was Taeyong, Doyoung, and Jisung, all the way from Seoul, and Jaehyun, Mark, Lucas, Amber and Jungwoo, who were all currently residing on the West Coast.

Taeyong got up, barely sparing Johnny a glance as he and Ten hugged, already chatting in a mixture of Korean and English. They hadn’t seen each other in forever.

“Hey,” Johnny patted Jungwoo on the back in greeting and sat down as the group scooted closer to one another to make room. Ten hesitated for only a moment before scrunching in beside Johnny, half on his lap; Johnny curled an arm around his waist to make sure he didn’t fall.

 

* * *

 

_“So a lot of you have kind of guessed why we’re here again,” Johnny was saying into the camera, trying to be quiet as to not disturb Ten’s parents in the other room. “But, like…” He looked over at Ten, not wanting to speak for him; he was sitting on the other side of the bed, drawing, looking young and innocent without makeup, hair for once left unstyled, soft and a little messy._

_Ten glanced up at Johnny when he realized there was silence in the room. He eyed the camera distrustfully for a moment, before he went back to his art, murmuring, “We can’t say much about it.”_

_“Yeah,” Johnny agreed, moving the camera off Ten. “A lot of you guys have guessed right, but we can’t talk about it, for just, like, practical reasons. Um, but yeah, we’re having a bit of a hard time.” He laughed self-consciously, running a hand through his too-long hair. “I am, at least.”_

_It was April again, meaning that Ten was legally obligated to fly back to Thailand for the draft. Until Ten was officially an American citizen, a process they still had years left to complete, probably not until they’d been married for several years, there was a chance that he would have to leave Johnny for two years to serve in the military._

_They were leaving in twenty minutes so that Ten could arrive early for the lottery, to register, to provide his documentation, to take either a black or red ball from the spinning machine that would ultimately decide his fate for the next few years of his life._

_Johnny was used to the process, by now, in his third year of doing this with Ten, but it never got any easier._

_Ten never did say much about it either way. For him, it was a part of life, after all. For Johnny, it was terrifying._

_Maybe he was just selfish._

_Ten had been quiet this morning, through their run together, through breakfast. Johnny knew he was nervous, but he would never say that out loud._

_When Johnny finished talking, he could feel Ten’s eyes on him. He felt a hand touch his leg. “Put away the camera, honey.”_

_He did. The video cut to later that day, when they had finished the stressful process and were now feeding each other gelato from a little outdoor stand, relief palpable in their postures. “So, we’re done, and everything is all good.”_

_Ten nodded, smiling, when Johnny turned to camera to him. “This gelato is, like, the best thing I’ve ever had.”_

_“Mine, too,” Johnny said._

_They didn’t talk about it, on or off camera._

 

* * *

 

 

“So, you guys gonna have kids soon or what?” Amber joked, making fun of the comments she and her partner often got on their videos, too.

Ten laughed, a little harder than Johnny thought the joke really warranted, but maybe it was down to the Long Island Iced Tea. He scoffed, “Yeah, as if.”

Johnny couldn’t help but glance at Ten sharply. They had talked about it before, wanting kids. Not now, obviously, but probably not that far in the future. Johnny had thought that it had been a given, eventually.

Apparently, that had changed.

Ten didn’t react at all to Johnny’s raised eyebrow, continuing to chat with Amber and Lucas. Okay then.

He took a large swig of his gin and tonic.

 

* * *

 

 

_“We’re so grateful for all the support you guys have given us throughout years. Seriously, this wouldn’t have been possible without you,” Johnny said to the camera._

_“Yes, thank you,” Ten agreed earnestly, swinging his legs as he perched on the counter-top. “John’s career prospects would have been dark indeed without YouTube--”_

_“Hey!” Johnny laughed, lightly slapping Ten’s thigh in protest._

_Ten teased, “I’m just kidding, honey. But we never want you guys to think we take all of this for granted. Because we don’t. This beautiful home is such a big step for us, and it really means a lot.”_

_“So yeah, I hope you enjoyed that quick tour. We’re still decorating and stuff, so you’ll probably see it evolve over the weeks, but… yeah! Thank you for your patience while we were moving, and I should have my regular upload schedule on track again. Bye!”_

_Ten jumped to the ground from his place on the kitchen island as Johnny turned off the camera and set it down._

_“Can you believe it?” Ten murmured, wrapping his arms around Johnny’s neck._

_“I still can’t,” Johnny responded, holding Ten closer, hands on his waist. Ten leaned his head against Johnny’s shoulder. “It’s crazy. This place is everything we’ve ever wanted.”_

_“I know,” Ten breathed. “We could have so many dogs.”_

_Johnny snorted, swaying them back and forth gently. “That’s all you ever think about, huh?”_

_“The important stuff,” Ten agreed, stroking the baby hairs on the nape of Johnny’s neck. “We’re gonna fill this place with dogs and kids and… we could even get some fish, if we wanna get crazy.”_

_“You’re getting wild, there,” Johnny laughed._

_“This is where we’re going to get old and boring, and bicker over college funds and taxes and shit. Can’t you just imagine it?”_

_“Yeah,” Johnny pressed a kiss to the top of Ten’s head. “I can. But I don’t think it could ever be boring, babe. Not with you involved.”_

_Ten looked up at him, smiling softly in that way that he only did around Johnny. “Our kids are going to be so multicultural, Johnny. Like, they’re going to have no trouble getting into college. They’ll have so many cards to play, they might not even need to use the gay dads angle.”_

_“Jesus,” Johnny rolled his eyes, trying hard not to smile. “Please do not ever say that in public.”_

_“Ah, don’t worry,” Ten answered, standing on his toes so that he was nearly eye-level with Johnny. He gave Johnny a quick peck on the lips, drawing back so that their faces were only inches apart. Ten was so fucking pretty, Johnny thought. It was crazy that he was still as enamored with Ten now as he had been five years ago, when they’d met. Ten continued, voice low, “We have this place all to ourselves.”_

_“Yes,” Johnny raised his eyebrows playfully. “Your point?”_

_“We haven’t had a chance to explore all of the many features of this lovely kitchen yet,” Ten took a step back, spreading his arms wide to indicate the large, spacious room around them. He batted his eyelashes, coquettish and over-the-top as always. “You want to figure out some alternative uses?”_

_Johnny nodded seriously, turning towards the cabinets. “Oh, yeah, I’ve been wanting to try out the settings on this wine cooler--”_

_Ten made an irritated noise and pressed Johnny against the countertop as Johnny laughed, cut off by Ten’s lips bruisingly hard on his. “You could have just said you don’t want to check out the wine cooler, babe.”_

_“I hate you,” Ten smiled against his mouth, reaching down to unbutton Johnny’s jeans._

_“Not that much, apparently,” Johnny answered with a smirk, hands roaming across every inch of Ten he could reach._

_“Mmm,” Ten said. “Maybe not that much.”_

 

* * *

 

“What the fuck was that?”

This really wasn’t the place to have this conversation. Ten and Johnny stood outside in the warm June evening, waiting for their Uber back to the hotel. Ten sighed, giving Johnny an irritated look. “What was what?”

Johnny couldn’t believe him. “So what, you’re making plans without me now?”

A car went by. Ten watched it go passed, then murmured quietly, “When have I ever mattered in your plans, Johnny?”

He felt like he’d been slapped, taking an actual step back from Ten as he stared at him. “What? What do you--always! You’ve always mattered. Are you kidding me?”

“You say that, Johnny, you always say that,” Ten said through gritted teeth. “But when it comes down to it, our lives are always about what’s best for your career, what you need.”

Johnny went to protest, but Ten cut him off. “No! I have made sacrifice after sacrifice for you, Johnny. I moved to Chicago for you, I moved to L.A. for you. I’ve put my career on hold time after time for the sake of yours. I keep thinking that one day, it’ll be different, but it never fucking is, Johnny!”

Ten was shouting, now, voice raw. Johnny’s breath caught, his heart beating fast. “Ten, I… I know that it’s been hard.”

“Do you? Because you’ve been trying so hard to convince me that our relationship isn’t broken, but you don’t even listen to me when I tell you why I’m hurting,” Ten said, closing his eyes as angry tears started falling. “How can we fix anything when you don’t listen?”

Johnny shook his head, stepping closer to Ten and reaching a hand out to bridge the gaping chasm between them, even as he felt it widening. “I… I want to listen. Please, Ten, I want to.”

Ten jerked his arm away from Johnny’s hand, wiping at his wet face angrily. “I know you do. But it’s not enough.”

“Fuck, Ten, it never is with you!” Johnny’s voice was raised as he turned away from Ten, walking a few paces to try to regain his composure. It didn’t work. He took a deep breath as he turned back to where Ten was crying on the sidewalk. “I’m never going to be enough for you.”

Ten sucked in a quick breath of air as he stared at Johnny, expression hardening. “Fuck you, Johnny,” he hissed, shaking his head and getting in Johnny’s face. “How dare you say that. You are everything to me. Everything.” He sighed. “And maybe that’s the problem.”

A black car pulled up, the Uber that they had called a few minutes ago. Ten’s face was about six inches from Johnny’s as he said, slow and clear, “I need to figure out who I am apart from being Johnny Seo’s boyfriend. And I think you need to figure some stuff out, too.”

Johnny took Ten’s hand, desperately trying to hold on to him. “No, you… I’m sorry. I love you, Ten.”

Ten stared at him, calmer now as the tears silently rolled down his face. “I know you do. But… ” He shook his head, taking a deep breath. “It’s bad for both of us, Johnny. We haven’t given each other space to breathe.”

He kissed him, standing on his toes to reach Johnny. It ended too quickly as Ten pulled back, squeezing Johnny’s hands once, hard. “Bye, honey.”

“Ten, wait!” Ten was already getting into the Uber, pulling the door shut. The car started moving as Ten gave him one last long look through the car window. Johnny was left standing alone on the sidewalk, the street around him dark and quiet.

 

* * *

 

Johnny woke up the next morning to the sound of Mark’s snoring.

He sighed, rubbing at his eyes blearily. Fuck, he didn’t want to be awake.

Johnny couldn’t go back to their hotel room last night, so he hadn’t, choosing to crash on the extra bed in Mark’s room instead. He really didn’t want to go on social media right now, but he hadn’t since yesterday, and it was VidCon; there was likely work to be done, people to Tweet back and image to be maintained.

Sometimes, Johnny really fucking hated his job.

He could tell something was up when he opened his phone up to an alarming number of notifications. He opened his texts first, heart sinking when he realized that there weren't any from Ten. Of course there weren’t.

He had texts from a few friends asking if he was okay. Weird, but maybe Mark had texted them. Then, he saw a message from Jaehyun that said simply, _don’t go on twitter._

Well, fuck. That didn’t seem good.

He went directly to Twitter. Because of course he did.

It took him a minute to figure what was wrong. Then, he looked at the trending tags and almost had a heart attack when he realized that _#johntenbreakup_ was trending in the U.S.

He clicked on it before he could fully process what was happening. It took about fifteen seconds of scrolling to determine that someone had uploaded a shaky iPhone video of Johnny and Ten screaming at each other outside of a bar in Anaheim.

Johnny’s world had already come crashing down last night. This was just the cherry on top.

Eyes closed, he listened to a series of voicemails from his manager, telling him that she had gotten the original video taken down, but that, of course, due to the nature of the internet, it had been duplicated and shared to the point where it had gotten completely out of hand.

All they could do now was damage control.

Johnny didn’t want to look at the reactions to the video. He could guess what they looked like.

He hoped that Ten was okay. This was just another instance in a series of many that Johnny’s career had hurt him. Hopefully it would be the last.

He was staring out the window, numb, when Mark sat up straight, blinking at Johnny in surprise. He scratched his head, disoriented from sleep. “Whassup, man?”

Johnny shrugged. “Not much.”

Mark smacked his mouth, eyes drifting shut again. “I had a dream that I almost met Beyonce but then Hyuck ruined it by telling her that I was straight.”

Johnny nodded solemnly. “A tale as old as time.”

“Uh huh,” Mark mumbled, about to fall asleep sitting up. “Gotta stop tellin’ people I’m straight.”

“Yeah,” Johnny agreed. “Probably not great for your career prospects.”

Mark didn’t hear him, already back asleep.

 

* * *

 

VidCon wasn’t over.

In fact, today was when Johnny was signed up for the majority of his panels. Great.

Mark and Jaehyun reassured him that he could always duck out, if he wanted; his manager told him in no uncertain terms that he probably shouldn’t, if he wanted to have a career after this.

It would look really bad if he left now.

So that was how he found himself sitting uncomfortably on a panel of vloggers with half a dozen other creators before a packed conference hall, probably a hundred phones and cameras out and recording his every word.

He shouldn’t be this caught up on that. He lived his entire life in front of cameras, after all.

Johnny tried his best to act normally, laughing at the other vloggers’ jokes and answering the bare minimum of questions with bland, generic answers about how to be a ‘successful’ individual that films their own life constantly. As if there was such a thing.

“The next question is from Twitter,” the panel moderator, Taeil, said. “A lot of you seem to have such perfect romantic relationships. How do you navigate relationships while living your life online?”

Johnny snorted before he could stop himself. Taeil looked over at him. The other vloggers stared at him. Every head in the audience snapped to him, and probably every camera, too. Well, shit.

When he didn’t say anything, Taeil prompted, hesitantly, “Uh, Johnny, did you have something to say on that point?”

Everyone was staring at him now, probably ready to hear Johnny have a public breakdown. Fuck it. He leaned in close to the mic. “If any vlogger has ever had a perfect relationship, I’d like to hear about it.”

He looked down the line of his peers, waiting. They were all looking back at him like he was insane. He nodded, turning back to the audience members. “Just know, all your favorite couples are probably bullshitting you. It’s fucking hard, okay? Just being in a relationship in the first place. And then you get a camera in front of it.”

He took a deep breath, staring down at his hands on the table. “Obviously, everyone recently found out way more about my love life than I would like. And like, that sucks, and it’s not okay to film that shit and put it online. But if I didn’t take some responsibility for sharing way more of my private life than my partner was comfortable with, I wouldn’t be honest.”

“I’ve lived the last five years of my life in front of a camera. I’m so grateful for all of the opportunities it’s granted me, yeah, but it’s come at a cost.”

Johnny looked up at the audience, who stared back, rapt. He didn’t want to see the reaction as he said his next words, but he owed them that, at least. “And I don’t think it’s one I’m willing to pay anymore. Not just because of what happened last night,” he quickly clarified, as he saw some mutterings in the audience. “Not because of my… not just because of the damage it does to the people in my life. But generally, I… don’t think I can do the whole vlogging thing anymore. It’s bad for me. And I know people are gonna call me selfish, but it’s…”

He struggled to find the words. “I don’t think it’s really a choice anymore. I don’t enjoy what I’m doing, and I haven’t in a long time.”

He raised his eyebrows at Taeil, sheepishly trying to indicate that he was done. “So yeah, that was my monologue. But like, what do you guys think?”

The room was dead-silent for only a moment before it burst into chaos, people talking over one another as the viewers and the press in the audience competed to get Johnny’s attention. Taeil shook his head, giving Johnny an exasperated look. Oops.

 

* * *

 

_Ten’s head was on Johnny’s chest, Johnny stroking the soft skin on Ten’s back. It was dark in Johnny’s dorm room, the only light peeking in between slats in the blinds from the Seoul streets outside._

_“I don’t want you to go,” Johnny whispered._

_Ten looked up at him, dark eyes wide and startled. “Then I won’t,” he said simply._

_Johnny’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What? Just like that?”_

_Ten smiled softly and pressed a kiss to Johnny’s jaw. “Just like that.”_

_Johnny sighed into Ten’s hair, “But this is… this is big for you. I didn’t mean… I don’t want you to miss out on something just for me.”_

_Ten’s hand snaked around his neck, tilting his head towards him. “Something about me you should know… I have a tendency to run away from things. When they’re too real.”_

_Johnny kissed him, once, slowly. “And this is too real?”_

_“This is…” Ten sighed into his mouth. “Like a dream. And that scares me.”_

_He cupped Johnny’s face with his palm, biting his lip in a way that made Johnny desperate to kiss him again. “I know we’ve only been doing this for a few months. But I’m already kind of in love with you.”_

_Johnny’s huffed out a soft laugh. “That’s great, because I’m totally fucking in love with you. I thought I was going crazy.”_

_Ten smiled brightly, sweet and relieved. “The thing is, if we keep doing this thing, at some point, I’m going to get scared, and I’m going to self-sabotage. Because that’s what I always do. I never wanted this internship in the first place. I don’t want to spend the summer in Japan. I want to spend it with you. But sometimes I try to ruin things, when it feels too good. And I want you to stop me, if that happens.”_

_Intrigued, Johnny listened, greedy for any part of Ten that he was willing to share, usually such an enigma, always flirtatious and teasing in a way that made him impossible to read. Whenever Ten told him something new about himself, he felt like he was slowly assembling a puzzle, another precious piece to add to the whole beautiful picture. “I can do that.”_

_“Thank you,” Ten murmured against Johnny’s lips, brushing another barely-there kiss to his mouth. “I don’t want to lose this.”_

_“Me neither,” Johnny said._

_“I know I’m high-maintenance,” Ten whispered._

_“You’re not,” Johnny whispered back. “You’re just the right amount of maintenance.”_

_Ten laughed, kissing him again. “You’re so weird.”_

_“You love me,” Johnny teased._

_“I do,” Ten admitted._

 

* * *

 

 

He texted Ten, _can we talk?_

No response.

He tried calling.

No answer.

So he tried, _are you at the house?_

Ten finally answered, _yes._

Johnny paused. He didn’t know whether that was an invitation or a warning to stay away.

Ten was typing again. _I saw what you said. At the panel_

Johnny’s heart beat a little faster, hope filling him as Ten texted, a few seconds later, _I’m proud of you._

Johnny typed back quickly, _I think things could be different. If we tried again._

Ten didn’t answer for a few minutes. The little dots appeared and disappeared, over and over again. Finally, a message appeared:

_I don’t think so, John._

He blinked, not knowing what to say in response. He finally typed out a simple, _I’ll be at Mark’s if you need me._

He didn’t send it, pausing to go back and change it. Instead he sent only, _I’ll be at Mark’s._

 _Ok_ came the reply, quickly.

Okay.

 

* * *

 

 

_“This has been the boyfriend tag,” Johnny laughed, the taste of vodka still on his lips. “I know it’s a little different, but that’s what you’ve got to expect from Ten.”_

_Ten giggled into his shoulder, hiding his face from the camera’s view. “The shots were a good idea, see?”_

_“You just wanted to get me drunk,” Johnny nudged Ten playfully. Ten looked up at Johnny like he was the only person in the world._

_“Yes,” he nodded, still laughing in between words. “But you did better than I thought you would. You only got a few wrong.”_

_“I’m a good boyfriend!” Johnny protested. He looked at the camera. “Comment below which one of us is the better boyfriend.”_

_“Don’t do that, oh my God,” gasped Ten, letting out another peal of laughter. “That’s horrible!”_

_Johnny pretended to be absolutely serious as he raised an eyebrow at the camera. He pointed down to where the comments would be and mouthed, “Do it,” grinning as Ten slapped a hand over his mouth._

_“We’ve got to go,” Ten told the camera loudly, shrieking as Johnny licked the hand that was over his mouth and pulled Ten onto his lap._

_“Okay, yeah, we’re going now,” Johnny agreed as Ten put a hand on Johnny’s thigh to steady himself as he swayed slightly. “I hope you motherfuckers enjoyed my pain.”_

_“Oh, are we swearing on this channel now?” Ten asked._

_“I think any hopes for monetization are out the window,” Johnny wrapped his arms more securely around Ten’s waist._

_Ten nodded, smirking, putting his hands over Johnny’s hands where they rested on his middle. “Well, then. Peace out, motherfuckers!”_

_Johnny burst into more laughter. “We’re going to have to fucking cut all of this out.”_

_“I don’t care,” Ten stretched his neck back at an awkward angle to see Johnny. He put a quick kiss on Johnny’s nose._

 

The video cut to black. Apparently, Johnny hadn’t edited that part out after all.

That seemed like some bad judgment on his part, looking back, but it all seemed like bad judgment, in retrospect. It didn’t matter that they’d been so helplessly happy in the moment. They weren’t now. And that was the only thing that Johnny could think about.

It had been a month. He’d only seen Ten via social media since that night in Anaheim.

It was over, it seemed. For good this time. Ten didn’t even want to see him.

He’d been getting better at not watching back their old videos. Mark had put a strict rule in place after the third time he’d come home to Johnny wasted and sobbing on his couch.

He told himself he was just doing his job, trying to decide which videos to leave up and which to take down, out of respect for Ten. This one should definitely go in the “take down” pile, but he still hadn’t done it.

He couldn’t bring himself to take it down. It felt too final. Which was ridiculous, because YouTube was one of the most fast-paced and nebulous institutions out there. Nothing was final.

But he still felt like there was something more that needed to be said.

He knew what he to do. But it was still hard. He got out his filming equipment, ready to film a video for the last time.

He took a deep breath, then began. “Hi, guys. So I’m deleting my channel.”

He looked down. “I know that a lot of you guys are going to be really sad, and really disappointed. I know that a lot of you guys would watch stuff back for years, even if I’m not making new videos. But I really feel like this is what I have to do. I think… I think I need a fresh start.”

Johnny looked at the blinking red light. “I’m going to leave this video up for 24 hours, and then everything is going to be gone. I didn’t want to do it without warning. I thought you guys deserved some sort of explanation, because I realize that this will be kind of a shock.”

“Anyway, you’ve been great to me these past five years. I’m going to be okay. I hope you guys will be, too,” he swallowed. “I don’t regret any of it. I know a lot of you guys will find that hard to believe, but it’s true. I have been incredibly lucky these past few years, and I wanted to say thank you. I think it’s just time to move on to the next phase of my life.”

“I might get into photography,” Johnny continued, smiling. “Non-moving pictures. A lot more control when people can only see exactly what you want them to see. I think I’m a lot better suited to that kind of thing, honestly.”

He shook his head in disbelief. There wasn’t anything else to say. This was it. “So… yeah. Everyone, take care. I’ll see ya around.”

He smiled at the camera, waving goodbye. He let out a long breath of air and turned off the camera. It felt good, he decided. Weird, but good. It felt like a weight off his shoulders.

The only thing left now was posting it.

 

* * *

 

_“Hey.”_

_Johnny’s palms were sweaty, his Korean incredibly rusty. It was his first day at his study abroad program in Seoul, and he was nineteen, and so fucking jet-lagged, and he didn’t know anyone in this room. Had this been a horrible idea? Probably._

_The boy standing in front of him was a good half a head shorter, but exuded confidence like this wasn’t a study abroad mixer filled with awkward young adults who didn’t know anything about each other or have anything in common, apart from the fact that they were all foreigners._

_He responded in hesitant Korean, “Hey. I’m Johnny.”_

_The guy smiled, switching seamlessly to English. “Are you American? Because that is a very American-sounding name.”_

_Johnny laughed, unsure whether he was being mildly insulted. Either way, the use of his first language put him at ease. “Yeah, I’m from Chicago. What about you?”_

_“My name’s Ten,” he answered smoothly, raising an eyebrow at him. “I’m from Thailand, and you seem a little lost.”_

_“I am a little lost,” Johnny said with a self-conscious laugh, surprised at the bluntness. They had just met, after all. “I have no fucking idea what I'm doing.”_

_“Well,” Ten said with another bright smile, taking his hand and dragging him into the throng of students. Johnny was having trouble looking away, charmed by Ten and his easy demeanor.“We can fix that.”_

 

* * *

 

Johnny woke up on Mark’s couch to his phone buzzing with a call. He squinted at the time--six a.m. Too fucking early for any sane human being.

Then time stopped when he saw the face on the caller ID. He answered without hesitation. “Ten?”

“Hi,” he heard from the other side. “Sorry, I know it’s early.”

Ten’s voice was soft, probably only having woken up a few minutes ago himself. Ten was always quietest in the early morning, before he’d had his coffee. Johnny closed his eyes. “It’s okay.”

There was silence on the other end. Johnny waited, before asking, “Ten? Are you alright?”

“I saw the video,” Ten answered after a moment. “Are you… sure? About deleting everything?”

Puzzled, he sat up and said, “Yeah? Why?”

He listened as Ten exhaled shakily. “No reason.”

“Ten… what is it?” Johnny asked quietly.

He thought he heard sniffling, but it could have been the connection. Ten finally responded, “It makes it feel like it’s really the end.”

Johnny opened his mouth to speak, but didn’t know what to say. A beat of silence passed, and Ten muttered, “Sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.”

“No, Ten, I… I know what you mean,” Johnny swallowed around the painful knot in his throat. “I know.”

Johnny could imagine Ten wiping tears from his face as he heard more sniffling sounds. Ten never did like to admit when he was crying. “I’ve been watching our old videos.”

Johnny leaned his head back against the couch, hand over his face. “Me, too.”

He listened to Ten’s staggered breathing. He waited so long that he thought Ten might be done. Then: “This has been really fucking hard, John.”

“Yeah,” Johnny said, voice breaking. “Yeah, it has.”

“Are you going to be okay?”

He thought about it. A month ago, he would have said no. But now? Maybe distance was what he needed to see it clearly. “I think so,” he answered honestly. He paused. “I don’t want to live in L.A. anymore. So…” he cleared his throat. “You can have the house. If you want.”

Ten made a small noise of distress. “I don’t want it.”

“Okay, then we can sell it,” he said into the phone, not quite believing that he was having this conversation.

Ten sounded like his tears had abided a little, but his voice was still thick when he said softly, “I might move back home. Like, to Bangkok.”

Johnny squeezed his eyes shut. “That would be amazing, Ten.”

Neither of them said anything for a minute. Ten broke the silence with, “This is so weird.”

Johnny huffed a soft breath of laughter. “Yeah. It’s like a fucking alternate universe. I’m just… I haven’t been on my own my entire adult life. It’s like… having to relearn everything from scratch.”

“Yes,” Ten agreed. He let out a sound halfway in between a laugh and a sob as he added, “I called for you yesterday, when I needed to get a jar from the top shelf in those damn kitchen cabinets. I forgot you weren’t here.” He paused. “I was really annoyed when you didn’t answer.”

Johnny smiled, eyes filling as his chest panged with nostalgia. “Please don’t tell me you climbed onto the counter to get your jar.”

Ten was silent, a sure sign of guilt, and Johnny laughed. “Gonna get you a step ladder.”

Ten laughed, too, before saying wetly, “I’m going to miss you a lot.”

Johnny blinked back the tears already threatening to spill. “Yeah. I’m gonna miss you, too. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I know… I know that I always leaned on you too much.”

“We leaned on each other more than we should have,” Ten murmured. “We just… put everything we had on each other, because we were too fucking young and we didn’t know any better. It was always going to be too much. I don’t want you to think--that this was your fault. It was a two-way road.”

“It’s been exhausting,” Johnny said after a moment. “Trying, all this time. And I’m glad we tried. But… we would have just kept going in circles.”

“We would have,” Ten answered softly. “I wish… I wish things had been different, but… I don’t think I could ever regret us. You’ve made the last six years of my life--” Ten’s voice hitched. “So good. Better than I thought was possible.”

He knew they were both replaying a thousand moments in their minds right now. Memories of tears and laughter and kisses, more love between them than either of them had ever experienced.

And that didn’t just go away. But it was time for them to say goodbye. Johnny knew that now. It was scary, but it was right. He smiled, even though he knew Ten couldn’t see him. “I guess this is it, huh?”

“I guess so,” Ten answered. “Promise me you’ll take lots of pictures of pretty places.”

“You were always into a good sunset,” Johnny teased. “Yeah, I promise.”

“And give your mom a hug the next time you see her,” Ten added. “I never properly thanked her. For all of her help, when we moved to Chicago.”

Johnny remembered his mom helping Ten sort out his immigration papers, easily the most confusing process they’d ever had to deal with. His mom had never complained, just smiled and bought them odds and ends for their new apartment and made sure Ten and Johnny ate real meals once in a while. “I will.”

“Okay,” Ten said. “Thank you.”

“I don’t want you to be completely out of my life,” Johnny put forth tentatively. “Maybe in a few years, we can… I don’t know, get coffee. See if we could be friends.”

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

Both of them were silent for several seconds. Johnny stared at the steadily lightening sky outside, birds jumping around from branch to branch on a tree near the window. He didn’t want to hang up the phone.

Ten finally said, “I’m glad we had this talk, Johnny. I saw your video this morning when I woke up, and I think… I think I just panicked. That everything would be gone. All of our memories. But… I guess I could just do what everyone else does.”

He laughed weakly. Johnny smiled into the phone. “Yeah. Remember shit.” He picked at a loose thread on his sweater. “Most of my favorite memories of us weren’t even in front of  a camera, is the thing. That’s what I realized when I was trying to figure out what to delete. I look back and I think of moments when it was just you and me.”

“Me, too,” Ten said softly. “The cameras never mattered to me, not really.”

There wasn’t a natural end to this conversation. Johnny and Ten had never really ended a conversation, ever; it was always more of a _to-be-continued._  Now, Johnny was uncertain, and he could tell Ten was, too. Because it really was the end, this time.

Johnny took a slow breath in. Then he exhaled. Opened his eyes. “I’ll see you around, then.”  

“Yeah,” Ten answered. “Take care of yourself, John.”

“You too,” Johnny said. Neither of them said anything for a few moments, and both of them laughed nervously at the silence. “Okay. I should go now.”

“Yeah,” Ten said again. “Uh, say hi to Mark.”

“Will do,” Johnny watched as the sun got high enough on the horizon to shine a stream of orange light into Mark’s living room. “Bye, Ten.”

A beat of silence. “Bye, Johnny.”

Johnny hung up. He knew that if he didn’t bite the bullet and do it, it would never happen, and they would just stay on the phone forever, the way they used to, whenever they were separated, Ten having gone to Thailand or Johnny having gone somewhere for work, last-minute.

It had always been hard to hang up when Ten was on the other side of the phone.

But he did. And he felt okay.

Mark came trudging into the living room to the connected kitchen, barely even looking at Johnny as he rubbed at his eyes blearily and blindly reached for the coffee pot to start brewing.

“Sorry, man,” said Johnny. “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

Mark gave him an uncomprehending stare. “What? Why?”

“I just talked to Ten,” he reluctantly admitted. “He says hi.”

“This early?” Mark asked incredulously, dumping coffee grounds into the filter unceremoniously. “Old people are crazy.”

“Yeah,” Johnny agreed with an eye roll. “Sure.”

Mark seemed to wake up enough to realize the important part of that statement. “Wait, you talked to Ten? Did you figure anything out?”

Johnny stared at his fingers thoughtfully. Had they? Johnny knew that they would be sad for a while, but now he felt like he could do it. All this time, he’d been blaming Ten for walking out, blaming himself for not doing enough to stop him. But at the end of the day, it wasn’t a matter of blame. Shit happened, and it wasn't either of their faults. Like Ten had said, it had just been too much, too soon. 

And with time, he could let it go. He felt it happening already, and it scared him, but so did everything about the idea of life without Ten. And that was something he needed to figure out for himself. 

“Yeah,” Johnny answered with a small smile. “I think we did.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been my baby for the past few weeks, so I really hope you liked it. Please let me know what you thought; I know that Youtuber AUs are kinda cliche, but this one just wrote itself (and also I saw the 127 concert in Vancouver and I needed some Johnny content in my life after seeing him in real life).
> 
> also this was almost completely inspired by lorde's song 'supercut', so like. go listen to that if you wanna cry lol.


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